Postpartum does a real number on your emotional state. The depression made me feel like I wasn't attractive anymore, I wasn't a good wife, and I wouldn't be a good mom. All sorts of things were running through my mind daily! It was a terrible place for me. Even with all of the support that I had from my husband, family, and friends, it wasn't enough to pull me out of the funk that I fell into. I felt empty. So I filled that emptiness with food: chips, sodas, and ice creams. By the time it was all said and done, I weighed forty pounds more than I had at my biggest in either pregnancy (I was now 220 lbs.).
The moment that I realized how far I'd let myself go was the worst. My son had just had his second birthday. My mom had taken pictures of the party and emailed some to me. There was one of me helping my son open his birthday presents. I thought I was going to be sick. I hadn't really looked at myself in so long it felt like I'd just gotten punched in the gut! Two of the old me's could have fit in the new me! I stared at that picture, bawling at how horrible I looked. I honestly needed that cry; it helped get all of those toxic emotions out of my system. I needed to be 100% mentally and emotionally before I started to work on getting myself 100% physically.
Once I was done with the pity-party I got to work. I pulled on my old running shoes (after checking for spiders...yes, it had been that long since I'd used them) and plugged in our treadmill. I set it to 5 mph (which used to be an easy jog) and started to "warm-up". Two minutes later I had to stop and run out the back door so I could throw up.
I had been in denial. I thought that because I used to be in shape and used to be able to warm-up at that pace that I could easily fall back into old routines. Hahahahaha. Yeah, cute right? No, I was definitely not ready for my old routines. Instead, I would have to swallow my pride and start somewhere much more basic and work my way back to where I once was.
Once I finally calmed down, I went into the kitchen. I itemized every single food item we had and couldn't believe it. For a girl who had grown up LOVING veggies, she sure didn't have many...at least not in comparison to all of the junk food. I bagged and boxed up ALL of the junk food, donating everything that I could to a food pantry, and throwing the rest out (our dogs absolutely loved it).
At this point I got busy doing research, Google became my best friend. I read tons of articles from fitness magazines and blogs, trying to soak in all of the information that I could. I kept reading over and over again that 'Abs are made in the kitchen', so I knew that I was starting off in the right place. I looked through lists of clean foods and wrote down the ones that I knew I liked or wanted to try. Taking THAT list, I gathered up my kids and we went to the grocery store on a mission!
The first challenge I faced was STICKING TO THE LIST!!!! I did the majority of my shopping around the outside of the grocery area, only weaving into the aisles for things like whole wheat pastas and rice and extra virgin olive oil. I spent most of my time in the produce section.
I'll never forget the moment that I grabbed green beans and broccoli. My daughter looked at me and said, 'Yuck! That stuff looks gross! Can't we get some pop tarts instead?' That was the moment that I felt like a complete failure as a mother. I was supposed to be showing my kids how to lead healthy lives, not stuffing them full of processed foods! That was the moment that killed any remaining doubt that I had about my plan. I wasn't just going to be getting healthier and fitter for me, now it was as much for my kids and their future as my own.
After putting the groceries up, I set to work on making a menu to stick by for the week. Five small meals a day so that I could boost my metabolism. Once I had my weekly meals planned out I began getting to work on a beginner exercise routine. Knowing what I once was able to do physically, and what I was limited to now was all the motivation that I needed.
The hardest part has been getting my husband to get on board with eating healthier and working out with me. He hates most vegetables because of taste or texture and he's usually too tired to workout when he comes home. We've finally gotten to the point that he loves salads and will go for a ten minute run when he comes home. Living a healthy lifestyle is so much easier when the people that you live with are on board with it. That doesn't mean that you should shove it down their throats though. Not everyone is ready to make a lifestyle change. Remember, you have to be 100% mentally and emotionally before you ever can physically!
This kind of lifestyle overhaul is hard, but anything worth having is worth the effort. I see my lifestyle change as an investment. I'm investing in the next fifty or sixty years! I want to be there to see my kids get married and have children of their own! And I want to be that seventy or eighty year old woman that is just as spry and healthy as she was at thirty. I do not want to settle when it comes to my health. Like my mom always told me growing up, 'For everything that you do now, you will pay the price or reap the benefits later in life.' I believe her. Why? Because she's my mom and she knows best, but also because it's true. I will not give up until I reach my goal, which is maximum health and fitness!!!!
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